My Christmas homily - บทเทศน์วันคริสต์มาส

Christmas Eve 2009

ในค่ำคืนนี้เป็นอีกครั้งหนึ่งที่เราได้มีโอกาส
ชมการแสดงละครคริสต์มาสของกลุ่มเยาวชนและเด็กๆ
เมื่อพ่อยังเป็นเด็กเล็กอยู่
เวลาที่จะมีการแสดงก็จะมีการคัดเลือกนักแสดงสำหรับบทต่างๆ
และก็รู้สึกว่าเพื่อนๆ ทุกคนก็จะตื่นเต้นมากๆ
ใครจะเป็นมารีย์ หรือ ใครจะได้เป็นโจเซฟ
ใครจะรับบทเป็นคนเลี้ยงแกะ หรือทูตสวรรค์
หรือแม้กระทั่งเป็นสัตว์ต่างๆ
บางทีจะมีการแข่งขันกันอย่างคึกคักมาก
ถ้าไม่ระหว่างเด็กๆ ก็ระหว่างผู้ปกครอง
ที่ต้องการให้ลูกของตนเองมีส่วนสำคัญในการแสดงนั้น

ขอตั้งคำถามนิดหนึ่งว่า
ถ้าเราแต่ละคนถูกคัดเลือกให้เป็นนักแสดง
สำหรับละครคริสตมาสค่ำคืนนี้
คุณอยากที่จะเป็นตัวละครตัวใด ?
เป็นมารีย์ไหม?
เด็กหญิงหลายๆคนอยากที่จะเป็น มารีย์
เพราะจะได้สวมเสื้อคลุมสีฟ้าได้อุ้มเด็กน้อยในมือ
และเป็นจุดสนใจของทุกคน
ยังไงแล้วมารีย์ก็เป็นนางเอก
เป็นคนที่แสดงความเอ็นดูต่อพระกุมารเยซู
ซึ่งมารีย์ก็จะเป็นตัวแทนของพวกเราทุกคนเวลาท่านทำเช่นนี้

และในส่วนของโยเซฟ ผู้ชายบางคนอาจจะสนในบทนี้
เพราะโยเซฟเป็นผู้ชายที่สำคัญที่สุดในละครเรื่องนี้
เขาจะได้แสดงความเอาใจใส่ภรรยาของตน
และจะได้เฝ้าพระกุมารด้วยความรักและความเอ็นดู

แล้วก็จะมีพวกคนเลี้ยงแกะ
เด็กๆ หลายคนชอบเป็นชุมพาบาล เพราะว่ามันง่ายดี
แค่เอาผ้ามาพันบนศรีษะ และสวมอะไรที่เก่าๆ ก็พอได้
ไม่ต้องซ้อมอะไรมากมาย นี่เป็นสิ่งที่พวกผู้ชายชอบ

สำหรับเด็กหญิงเขาอาจจะอยากเป็นทูตสวรรค์
ที่จริงในพระคัมภีร์ทูตสวรรค์จะเป็นผู้ชาย
แต่สำหรับการแสดงละครคริสต์มาส
ไม่มีผู้ชายคนไหนอยากใส่ปีก สวมชุดสีเขาและเต้นหรอก
เอาผ้ามาสวมดีกว่า เพราะฉะนั้นเด็กๆ ผู้หญิงก็เลยต้องเป็นทูตสวรรต์
ที่จะร้องเพลงสรรเสริญพระเจ้า
พร้อมกับสิ่งสร้างทั้งปวง

แล้วมีบทอื่นๆ สำหรับเด็กๆ ที่ค่อนข้าง Active
จำบทไม่ค่อยได้ อยู่เฉยๆไม่ค่อยเป็น
พวกนี้จะเป็นแกะหรือลา ถ้าเด็กคนไหนซนมากๆ
ก็จะได้เป็นส่วนหลังของตัวลา
เพราะตัวลามันใหญ่จะต้องการสองคนด้วยกัน

แล้วคุณอยากเป็นใคร? คุณสนใจบทไหนบ้าง?
สำหรับพ่อแล้ว พ่ออยากเป้นเจ้าของโรงแรม
ที่อยากเป็นไม่ใช่เพราะว่าอยากเป็นนักธุรกิจ
แต่พ่ออยากเป็นคนที่ได้ให้ที่พักที่แรกของพระบุตรของพระเจ้าบนโลกนี้ แม้จะเป็นที่ไม่เลิศหรูและแสนจะธรรมดา
แต่ก็เป็นที่ๆปลอดภัย
อย่างน้อยเมื่อพระเจ้าบังเกิดเป็นมนุษย์และอยู่ท่ามกลางเรา
เจ้าของบ้านพักคนนั้นมิได้ปฏิเสธ
หรือละทิ้งพระองค์หรือปล่อยให้คนอื่นช่วยเหลือแทน
เขาได้ต้อนรับพระองค์

พี่น้อง เราก็เช่นกัน ค่ำคืนนี้
เรามาชุมนุมกันที่นี่ด้วยใจที่เต็มไปด้วยความรักและความชื่นชมยินดี
ทำไมเราถึงมีความสุขอย่างนี้
เพราะว่าพระกุมารได้บังเกิดและประจักษ์แก่ชาวเรา
ค่ำคืนนี้เราสมภชพระคริสตสมภพ
ซึ่งระลึกถึงการเสด็จมาของพระกุมารสู่โกลนี้และเข้าสู่ชีวิตของเราทุกคนคงไม่มีใครคาดคิดว่า 2000 ปีที่แล้วพระเจ้าจะถ่อมพระองค์
ละทิ้งอำนาจที่ยิ่งใหญ่ของพระองค์
และรับสภาพมนุษย์เพื่อที่จะมีส่วนในชีวิตของมนุษย์เรา

ทำไมพระองค์ต้องทำเช่นนี้
นั่นเพราะความรักที่พระองค์ทรงมีต่อสิ่งสร้างของพระองค์นั่นเอง
ถ้าเราหันไปมองที่ถ้ำพระกุมารที่เราได้ตั้งไว้ในวัด
เราสามารถเห็นเหตุการณ์จำลองในวันที่พระองค์บังเกิด
เพราะในโรงแรมไม่มีห้องพัก
พระกุมารจึงต้องบังเกิดในถ้ำแห่งหนึ่ง
ซึ่งปกติจะเป็นที่พักสำหรับสัตว์เลี้ยง


มีใครเคยสงสัยหรือเปล่าว่า
ทำไมพระองค์ถึงเลือกที่จะบังเกิดในเมือง Bethlehem
ซึ่งเป็นเพียงเมืองเลก็ๆอย่างยากจนและขัดสนในค่ำคืนที่หนาวเหน็บ? พระองค์เป็นกษัตริย์ เป็นกษัตริย์เหนือกษัตริย์ทุกองค์
เพราะฉะนั้นพระองค์น่าจะมีอะไรที่ดีกว่านี้
แต่นี่เป็นสิ่งที่พระองค์ต้องการเพราะว่า สิ่งที่พระองค์กระทำนั้น
สอนเราว่า ความศักดิ์สิทธิ์ถูกพบเจอในความยากจน
ความถ่อมตน และความทุกข์ทรมาน
ด้วยการบังเกิดที่ต่ำต้อยอย่างนี้
พระองค์ได้ให้โอกาสพวกคนเลี้ยงแกะเป็นคนแรกที่ได้มาเฝ้าพระองค์ ถ้าหากว่าพระองค์บังเกิดในพระราชวังแล้ว
ก็จะมีแต่คนร่ำรวยและคนที่มีชื่อเสียงที่สามารถมาหาพระองค์ได้
แต่พระเยซูเจ้าไม่ได้เสด็จมาในโลกนี้
เพื่อคนรวยและคนที่มีชื่อเสียงเท่านั้น
พระองค์เสด็จมาเพื่อทุกคนรวมถึงพวกเรา
ที่อาศัยอยู่ในจังหวัดหนองบัวลำภู
ซึ่งเป็นแค่จังหวัดเล็กๆ และธรรมดานี้ด้วย
ที่จริงพ่อคิดว่าถ้าพระองค์มิได้บังเกิดที่ Bethlehem
แต่บังเกิดในเมืองไทย
พระองค์อจาจจะเลือกหนองบัวลำภูก็เป็นไปได้
และแทนที่จะมีคนเลี้ยงแกะมาเฝ้าพระอค์
ก็จะมีคนเลียงวัวเลี้ยงควายและสัตว์ของเขาที่ทำอย่างนี้

เมื่อครู่นี้เราได้ยิน ทูตสวรรค์พูดกับพวกเลี้ยงแกะว่า
“เรานำข่าวดีมาบอกท่านทั้งหลาย
เป็นข่าวดีจะทำให้ประชาชนทุคนยินดีอย่างยิ่ง
วันนี้ในเมืองของกษัตริย์ดาวิด
พระผู้ไถ่ได้ประสูติเพื่อท่านแล้ว
พระองค์คือพระคริสต์องค์พระผู้เป็นเจ้า “
ความชื่นชมยินดีที่คนเลี้ยงแกะมีนั้น
ก็เป็นความชื่นชมยินดีของเราทุกคน
หากพระเยซูเจ้าไม่ได้บังเกิดเป็นมนุษย์
เราคงไม่ได้รับการไถ่กู้ซึ่งทำให้เราคืนดีกับพระเจ้า
และช่วยให้เราได้รับชีวิตใหม่ในพระองค์

ความชื่นชมยินดีและสันติที่เรามีค่ำคืนนี้ไม่เหมือนทุกๆวัน
วันนี้พิเศษว่าลึกซึ้งกว่า เพราะเราทราบว่า
พระเยซูเจ้าสถิตท่ามกลางเรา พร้อมกับพระแม่มารีย์พระมารดา
นักบุญยอแซฟ บรรดานักบุญทั้งหลาย และบรรดาทูตสวรรค์
ให้เราจดจำความรู้สึกนี้เพื่อให้เป็นกำลังใจให้แก่เราตลอดทั้งปี
โดยเฉพาะในเวลาที่ร็สึกท้อใจและลำบากใจ
อย่าลืมว่าพระเจ้าได้บังเกิดเป็นมนุษย์อย่างยากจน
และได้ทนทุกข์ทรมานถูกประหารชีวิตบนไม้กางเขน
และสิ้นพระชนม์เพื่อเรา
แต่พระองค์ได้ชนะความตายและความชั่วร้าย
หลัง 3 วันพระองค์ได้กลับคืนชีพและเสด็จขึ้นสวรรค์
ถ้าเราทุกคนดำรงชีวิตอย่างซื่อสัตย์อย่างศรัทธา
ด้วยความรักความพรากเพียร ความถ่อมตนเหมือนพระองค์
เราก็จะมีส่วนในชีวิตนิรันดร์กับพระองค์บนสวรรค์ด้วย

พี่น้องในค่ำคืนนี้ ให้เราจดจำว่า
พระกุมารประสูติมาเพื่อเราแล้ว
และพระองค์ต้องการให้พวกเราทุกคนติดตามพระองค์
ขอให้เราทุกคนต้อนรับพระองค์เข้าสู่ในจิตใจของเรา
อาณาจักรของพระองค์จะไม่สมบูรณ์ฃถ้าเราไม่มีส่วนในนั้น เพราะฉะนั้นให้เรามองไปที่รางหญ้านของพระกุมาร
ด้วยความรักและความหวัง
และในชีวิตประจำวันของเรา ขอให้เรายืนหยัดด้วยความอดทน
ไม่หันไปจากองค์พระเยซูคริสตเจ้าเลย
ถ้าพระองค์อยู่ในสายตาของเราตลอดเวลา
ไม่ว่าอะไรจะเกิดขึ้นใทชีวิตของเรา
แต่เราก็จะไม่ท้อแท้ ไม่ผิดหวังกับชีวิต
ขอให้ความชื่นชมยินดีและสันติของพระกุมาร
สทิตอยู่กับพี่น้องทุกท่านตลอดไป

A Beautiful Heart

What does a truly generous and loving heart look like? It is one that looks like that of a poor fisherman named Truong Chi. For those of us who don’t know, Truong Chi is one of the most famous characters in Vietnamese literature. And his story moves us because of his deep and sincere love.

Once upon a time, there was a very beautiful girl named My Nuong, the only daughter of a powerful mandarin. Like all the maidens of her station in life, she met no one and was kept secluded in a high tower in the palace. She spent most of her time reading, knitting or standing by the little window in order to cast her eyes upon the Tieu Tuong River, which passed quietly beneath her.

Gliding along, from time to time, was the small boat of Truong Chi, a poor angler, who would sing songs as he cast his nets on the river. From afar My Nuong could not see his face, but could hear him singing, an enchanting and melancholic voice.

No one knew what feelings this voice produced in My Nuong’s heart. However, one day the boat was not seen on the water and she began to wait. After waiting in vain for many moons, she fell ill. Her anxious father called for doctors to cure her, but even the most famous doctor of the time could not discover the cause of My Nuong’s illness.

One morning, to everyone's joy and surprise, My Nuong suddenly recovered her health. The little boat had returned to the river and the voice of Truong Chi again filled the sky. Based on the words revealed by My Nuong’s maid, the mandarin called the angler in and brought him before the daughter. But after just one glance, she did not wish to see Truong Chi anymore; his face was ugly, completely opposite of what she had pictured in her mind.

Nevertheless, the meeting was a fatal one. It put an end to the love in the bosom of the girl, but gave birth to a desperate one in the heart of the poor fisherman. Worn by a hopeless love, he pined away in solitude and finally drew his last breath one dark autumn evening. Truong Chi took the secret of his unrequited love with him into the next world.

Many years later, Truong Chi’s family exhumed his remains in order to transfer them to the family tomb. In the coffin, they found nothing but a marvellous and sparkling piece of gemstone, which they put on the prow of the boat as a decoration to remember the dead.

One day an old mandarin passed by the place. Taken aback by the splendour of the precious stone, he bought it and ordered a clever turner to make a beautiful teacup from it. It was then that he made a very strange discovery. Every time the cup was filled with tea, there appeared the image of some poor angler rowing his boat around the cup.

My Nuong heard about this strange story and wanted to see it herself. When she poured some tea into the cup, the image of the poor ugly man that she once met appeared and she could again hear the resonance of his enchanting voice that used to mesmerize her soul. Feelings of longing and regret surged in her heart and turned into tears running down the sides of her cheeks. A teardrop fell into the cup, and as this happened, the gemstone cup that My Nuong was holding in her hand melted into pure water.

Perhaps you would not be surprised to see why the story of Truong Chi and My Nuong is one of the most romantic folk tales in Vietnamese literature. As young people, the situation in the story may be unfamiliar to us. In our modern lifestyle, we don’t know anything about mandarins or young maidens being kept up in palaces. We don’t know anything about the life of fishing on the river in order to make a living. We can’t imagine what it’s like listen to someone singing on the river. What we know is fast cars, ADSL internet, and mobile phones. What we know is FM radio and Podcast.

And yet, there is one thing that we know, and it has nothing to do with time, place, or culture. And that’s the quality of a true heart – a really really good heart. We can see from the story that Truong Chi was a poor young man. He had little but his boat and his nets to catch fish to sell at the market. And add to that, he was ugly – so ugly that the moment My Nuong looked at him, she never wanted to see him again.

But while Truong Chi did not have money or good looks, he was blessed with a talent that few had – a beautiful voice. This was a talent that he did not keep to himself but he shared it with everyone. As Truong Chi sang while he was fishing on the river, it probably wasn’t My Nuong alone who was enchanted by his voice and felt less lonely being kept in the palace. Perhaps there were babies lying in the cradle who fell peacefully asleep as Truong Chi’s voice lulled them. Perhaps there were farmers working in the field, having their backs baked under the midday sun, who forgot their tiredness because they heard his songs.

The more I read this folk tale, the more I admire Truong Chi because of his sincere and generous heart. How many of us are blessed with very wonderful talents, but are afraid or unwilling to share them with others? We keep our talents to ourselves because we are afraid to be criticized, afraid to appear in public, or afraid to fail? We’re afraid that people will talk about us and make fun of us.

Truong Chi was poor, and he was ugly. But his voice was beautiful. And he shared his talent with others in the best way that he could. The fact that Truong Chi was brave enough to sing as he worked on the river was because his heart was sincere and true. He wanted to share his gift with others without worrying about being made fun of or being criticized.

But Truong Chi’s story, as we know, is a tragedy, because as sincere and generous as he was, it wasn’t good enough for My Nuong to love him the way he loved her. He was disappointed in love and suffered from heartsick. But despite this, Truong Chi’s heart never changed. That’s why when he died, his body turned into a precious and sparkling gemstone. Even in death, Truong Chi showed everyone how truly beautiful his heart was. In the end, My Nuong herself was filled with regret for having rejected Truong Chi.

The story of Truong Chi and My Nuong reminds us that in any time and place, what is on the inside is far more important than what is on the outside. Love is something that comes from the heart, and we have to feel other’s love with our heart as well. If we try to look for love with only our eyes, chances are we might overlook something very precious and true.
The story of Truong Chi and My Nuong also reminds us that we should let our heart help direct our actions. If we have a heart of generosity and openness, we are able to overcome things that hold us back such as shyness and insecurity. When we do things from the heart, we can change the lives of people around us in ways that even we are not aware of.

Today, we don’t make a living casting fish nets on the river like Truong Chi. We don’t sing the same kind of songs that Truong Chi sang. But definitely, we can be generous like Truong Chi was generous. And we can love like Truong Chi loved.

Making the Right Choice

It was a normal high school lunch break in sunny Southern California. In the flag pole area by the administration building, the popular guys and girls were hanging out with each other. Over by the arts building was the more withdrawn group of students, usually dressed in black T-shirts of various rock or heavy metal bands. And towards the history building was the hang out for Asian American students. I had just come out of a school club meeting, and on my way to the restroom. I was a senior, my last year of high school.

As I made my way between the crowds of people, I bumped into Jenny, a Vietnamese friend in the 11th grade. She was crying.

“Hey, what’s up? Why are you crying?” I asked.

She hugged me tightly, then said, “I need someone to talk to?”

“Yeah, what’s the matter? You can talk to me. Do you want to go somewhere?” I tried my best to sound sympathetic and supportive.

“Can we go in the back of the science building?”

“Ok, let’s go,” I said forgetting that I needed to go to the bathroom.

As Jenny and I found a quiet place away from the crowd and sat down on the grass, I asked again, “Tell me what’s going on with you. It must be something serious because I’ve never seen you like this.”

“Tony, it’s serious. Promise me that you wouldn’t tell anybody,” Jenny said in between sobs.

“Of course, just tell me, maybe I can help,” I reassured her.

“Tony, I think…I think I’m pregnant,” Jenny told me at last.

“What? Are you positive? How do you know?” I was no longer so sure about what I could do to help.

“I’m not definite. I’m a few days late with my period.”

“But that doesn’t mean you’re pregnant, does it?” I wasn’t so much of an expert myself in terms of female biological issues. And in fact, Jenny didn’t know all that much either.

“I don’t really know, but I’m just so scared right now. I don’t know what to do.”

“When did this happen?”

“Just last week. My parents were away. David came over after school, and he convinced me into doing it. It was our first time,” Jenny told me how it came about.

Lunch break was now over, but Jenny was in no mood to go to fifth period. So, we both asked our teachers to let us go home early because of an emergency. Jenny and I found our way to a health center in the city. It was the only place we knew where pregnancy testing took place, even though we also knew that it was a place where abortion procedures were done. A staff member talked to us, but told us that it was still a little too early to check whether Jenny was pregnant or not, and to wait for a few more days.

The following days were very stressful for us, especially for Jenny who would have a heavy price to pay if she were really pregnant. We could not concentrate on our studies. All we could do was get on the phone to talk to each other about what to do if what we feared came true. We were both Catholic, and we knew that abortion was forbidden by the church. But if Jenny were to have the baby, what would happen to her future? As teenagers, the way to solve this issue seemed like something that neither of us had the ability to think of for ourselves. But we were also afraid to ask our parents because we didn’t think they would understand us. We were desperate.
Fortunately for Jenny, all the worries and anxieties were finally put to rest, when a few days later, she happily came to tell me that she was not pregnant after all. She finally had her period.

I was relieved that the decision of whether to abort or not abort a baby never had to be made by Jenny. However, as a teenager, I am not sure how I would have advised my friend at that time.
Now, as an adult, and as a priest, when thinking back on this event, I often wonder what I would have said then if our fears came true. Would I have given Jenny the right advice such as finding adults to help us sort out the issue? To think about the innocent baby that had no role in the fact that it was conceived? To try her best to handle the consequences of her action? Or to think about how she would feel if she did really kill a life?

I am not sure that I could have helped my friend to do these things because as a teenager, I was probably not mature enough to think of the right things to do. Perhaps the lack of maturity and wisdom that Jenny and I had could have led to the action that is being done by millions and millions of young people all over the world every year, and that’s resorting to abortion to solve the problem of unwanted pregnancy. From poor countries to rich countries, from big cities to small towns, teenagers are finding their ways to hospitals and clinics to have abortions done in order to put an end to their troubles. At least that’s what they think.

Troubles don’t end with abortions. Putting aside the fact that you’re killing a life; putting aside the fact that many of the abortion procedures are dangerous to your health; and putting aside the fact that you’re running away from your responsibility by getting rid of something sacred, the act of abortion will haunt you because you know in your heart and soul that you’re doing something really really immoral.

Recently, a young man came to me for confession. He said that he and his girlfriend had aborted their baby two years ago because at that time, they were not married and not ready to have a baby.

“Is this the first time you confess about this?” I asked.

“No father, I’ve already confessed this sin several times before,” he replied.

“When you confessed during those times, what did the priest tell you?”

“Father told me that I can be forgiven if I am truly sorry for what I have done. But for some reason, I still don’t feel like I am forgiven. My girlfriend and I always think about what we did, and it’s always on our mind. Even though it’s been two years, we still cannot forget about it. That’s why I wanted to confess again.”

The experience of this young man and his girlfriend is a very common experience with people who have aborted their babies. God made all of us to be good people. And because we are good people, if we do something terribly wrong, our conscience tells us right away. That is why there are so many people who struggle constantly in their heart because of the mistake they did in having an abortion. Having a baby unplanned can be very difficult and the price is definitely high, but perhaps nothing is as high as the feeling of guilt and pain that we carry within ourselves for having violated God’s law forbidding us to take away a helpless, innocent human life, especially when that human life is a part of our own flesh and blood.

It is true that God can forgive anything, even the gravest sin. God can forgive when we are truly sorry for what we have done, and we promise and do our best to repent for the sin that we have committed. But sometimes, it is easier for God to forgive us than for us to forgive ourselves. That’s why many people who have committed abortion face such grave emotional and spiritual troubles in their lives.

Dear friends, life is a series of decisions that we have to make everyday and every minute. We started to make decisions since we were just a few years old. Some decisions are a piece of cake; we can make them in a split second without giving a second thought. But not all decisions are this easy. Some have great implications for our life. As we live in this modern age, the issue of unplanned pregnancy is no longer something unfamiliar to us. Either we ourselves have encountered it, or someone we know like a friend or family member has had to face this experience.

Whatever we do, I believe that we cannot go wrong when we make the decision for life instead of against life; make the decision for accepting the responsibility instead of running away from responsibility; and most importantly, make the decision for abstinence so that we don’t have to make the choice of abortion in the first place!

Do nice guys always finish last?

Having fun and enjoying life is part of being a young person. Meeting people, finding someone you like and perhaps fall in love with is also part of the plan. But for many people, this is no easy task. Recently, I received an email from Hoang, a Vietnamese American in his 20s. Hoang is what many people would describe as a “nice guy”. In his email, Hoang asked me for advice. He said:

“Father, I scored over 133 on my super IQ test, I was ranked in the top 98% of people taking the test. But only 70 on my sex IQ tes; it ranks me in the low 10% of people who took the test. Following the guidelines of the church makes me so dumb. Father, I've been missing out a lot in life because my parents didn't want me to have the fun they had when they were young.”

In a second email, Hoang expressed more frustrations about his experience in meeting girls. He said:

“What I find out is that girls seem to like bad boy, the one who is tough and demanding...Ever since I show my toughnesss, many girls seem to like me... Even with the girl I'm with now, I still have to hide a lot from her. I wonder when will I be able to live with the real me. Of course, if you're too nice, they are going to think you're cheap and weak. Have you heard that nice guys always sleep alone, Father? I want to change that man, I'm tired of my life. Every cute girl that I run into always go after your pocket and how slavishly you live your life. So what do you think about that?”

I am sure that there are many people out there who can sympathize with what Hoang is going though in trying to find that girl or guy who really appreciates you for who you are. As young people growing up in a modern society, we are trying to balance between having fun, fitting in, but also keeping the moral guidelines that our parents and our church teach us. Sometimes, it is not easy to do. And without thorough understanding of the church teachings, many of us end up blaming the church for keeping us from having the fun that we think we should be having.
However, let me put something straight at the very start. Yes, if we follow the church teachings, we should not be having sex before marriage; we shouldn’t be using alcohol irresponsibly or using drugs illegally; we shouldn’t cheat, steal, or do physical or mental harm to others. We should be going to church every Sunday and praying everyday. But there is nothing in church teachings that restricts us or prevents us from having fun, and finding joy in being a cheerful, healthy, outgoing, and caring person that makes us a magnet attracting others to come to us.

There are plenty of young people who participate in the church choir, in youth groups, and in other clubs and activities that help them to meet people who also enjoy doing the same things that they do. A lot of those people live according to the church guidelines, end up getting married to someone they met, and build for themselves a happy family. The test of our true success in relationship is whether we meet and build a loving relationship with that person, and not how many points we get on some sex IQ test, which only gives us points if we do certain things.

The way I see it, being a faithful and religious person has nothing to do with the fact that you can’t meet the right girl or guy. It’s how you are as a person that determines whether you are attractive to others. Have you wondered how some people just seem to exude charm and confidence that draw people to them, while others just drive people away?

Now comes the million dollar question: Is it true that the bad boy gets the girl and the nice guy always finishes last?

Like I said before, Hoang is what people often label a “nice guy”. And I think from Hoang’s email, he also thinks of himself as that. But for some reason, being nice has gotten him nowhere in the girl department. He feels like he has to turn into a “bad boy” with a hard exterior in order to get the girl because being “sensitive” just doesn’t work.

But in my opinion, a lot of people are a little bit confused between being “nice” and being a bunch other other things. For example, some people equate “insecurity” with “niceness”. Let’s say a girl sees a guy who’s decent looking. But he’s really shy. He goes to a party and just sort of stands to one corner and is afraid to go around talking to people, or is afraid to strike up a conversation with a girl because he’s afraid of being rejected. If you look at the guy, perhaps you can say that he’s nice; or in fact, he’s just very insecure, which makes him not very attractive.
Some people confuse being “sappy” with being “nice”. One time, I was awaken at three in the morning by a friend name Tuan. Tuan is another so called “nice guy” who has tried for years to find a girl that suits him. But no matter how much he tries, he can’t find anyone. This time, Tuan called me to complain about a girl he has recently met. He sent her a big bouquet of flowers and other gifts, but didn’t hear anything back from her. I asked him when did he meet her? He said only over a week ago. I told him, “She’s probably scared of you. If you keep sending her stuff like that, she’d probably think you’re a weirdo. Take it easy, man.”

Some people confuse being clingy with being nice. Yes, it’s that guy who always wants to be with the girl, who always calls her, and wants to know what she’s doing; that’s the guy that thinks he’s being nice by showing how much he cares and pays attention to the girl. But in fact, he’s just afraid to lose her. Or he’s trying to make her fall in love with him right away.

Some people confuse being depressed with being nice. It seems that it’s only the so called nice guys that lament about the terrible fate of being nice. Why does no one recognize his niceness? Why do girls reject his niceness? Why do they take advantage of his niceness? If you take a second look, maybe he’s not so nice, but just very depressed about who he is.

The truth is, being insecure, clingy, overly romantic, sappy, or self-pitying does not make you a nice person. It makes you an unattractive person, one that is no fun to be around. Also, if you are someone who ends up hating women because all they want is your money (something that my friend Tuan unceasingly told me, and Hoang also complained about in his email), it doesn’t make you a nice guy.

What then is my advice to Hoang? Stop calling yourself a “nice guy”. Stop labeling yourself, and stop labeling others. I believe that really nice guys don’t go around calling themselves “I’m a nice guy”, just like bad boys don’t go around introducing themselves “I’m a bad boy”, or humble people don’t tell others “I’m a humble person.” They just do what they do, and be who they are.
“Nice guys” don’t get the girl, or have a lot of friends because, a lot of times, that’s just a positive label we put on pretty unattractive characteristics in a person. In fact, attracting to others doesn’t have much to do with being “nice” or being “bad”. Rather, it has to do with feeling good about ourselves, accepting ourselves for who we are, and being confident in our ability to relate to others.

Feeling good about ourselves comes about when we live a healthy life style. We eat well, get enough exercise, have fun hobbies, and are interested in the world around us. Accepting ourselves for who we are comes from being realistic and at peace with our strengths and weaknesses. We are accepting of our quirks, our imperfections, but also take pride in the things that we can do well. Being confident comes about when we practice taking risks in our life, whether it is starting a new project, entering into a new relationship, or doing something that we have never done before. The success and failures that we experience along the way help us to be stronger, more sturdy, and more aware of where our potential lies. Some people try to be “tough” in order to portray to others their confidence, like Hoang is trying to do. But true self confidence doesn’t mean being “tough” and trying to hide who you really are. Rather, true self confidence is the ability to know your self-worth, and what you are able to do, and what you are willing to try. If we “act tough” just because we don’t want to “look weak”, it’s pretty much faking and deceiving ourselves as well as others. Eventually, the act will break down and others will see who we really are.

The thing that determines whether people will swarm around us is whether they see that we are filled with positive energy; what drives them away is their fear to be infected by our negativity if they come too close. If we feel good about ourself, chances are, others will also feel good about us. If we are confident in ourself, chances are, others will feel confident about us as well.

Being an attractive person to others and living a “fun” life should not prevent anyone from following church moral guidelines. Being an attractive person also is not related to being “nice” or being “bad”. Being attractive, having fun, and enjoying life comes from living healthy, being self-confident and self-accepting, and willing to take charge of your own destiny in life. In conclusion, truly nice guys probably don’t finish last, only people who lament about their life finish last.